I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize