what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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