Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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