theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
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Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
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mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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