i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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