Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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