just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
