Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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