Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
we're so committed to being not committed
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
