Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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