I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
