What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
