Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
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Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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