i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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