You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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