No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
