I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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