im six kinds of drunk right now
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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