i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
