I just pynch a tree in the face
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
