2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
