It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
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I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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