Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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