some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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