i need an iv and a liver transplant
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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