What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
