i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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