my phone needs a breathalizer
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
