there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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