I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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