just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
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You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
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There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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