Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
