theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
