Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
