she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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