I think im going to throw up on grandma
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
