if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
