I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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