She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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