my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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