i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
