we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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