Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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