Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
