I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
