"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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