You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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