is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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