And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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