and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
