the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
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She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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